The Dirt on Nessie
Well, it's one of those things ... do I care too much or do I care too little? Is it her or is it me? Am I being deliberately jerked around or is it a case of someone just not having that much time or consciousness for me? Am I a whiny junior-high-schooler? Am I socially retarded when it comes to summing things up? Finally, some friends help me get a consensus on Nessie.
***
My Experience:
The Loch Ness Monster is always dogging me for a buck twenty she lent me in 1998, but I swear, I threw the money back in the lake the next day, and she knows it, so I don't know where she gets off. Our friendship is at a standstill, but truth be told, I felt it was me always bringing fresh and new material into it, her always asking me, over and over again, "What's new?" like it's wholly my job to entertain her (not that she cares what I say) and she thrives on everyone getting all excited when she almost-shows-up. She's kind of a sadist that way.
From TH:
Oh, don't worry. It's not just you. That bitch Nessie, I dunno. Had to cut ties back in 92. She acted all happy to meet me, then I saw her on the shore and waved and she just looked at at me like who the hell are you. And I said fine. Fuck it. Two days later she was calling me asking what was wrong. It's complicated, I said. What's that, she said. The "depth" of your sociopathy, I told her.
From Me:
I'm afraid my friends and I encouraged her. We threw a lot of monster parties in the late eighties, in ....London...., around ... told her to come on down, we'd fix her up with a great Thames-monster. She'd be all game, but got in the habit of disappointing us. We made light of it, thinking she was going through some rough times. Then it just seemed like she was making fools of us all.
When I stopped by privately, she always kept the upper hand. I remember she seemed to be saying encouragingly, "Neither a borrower nor lender be," when I asked if I could read her Patrick O'Brien series. It seemed like she was saying "Don't touch my stuff," and "My stuff is yours," at the same time, like it was some kind of challenge. Well, so I borrowed them one by one, and she was always calling me and asking if I had the book, and I thought maybe there was loneliness behind her pettiness, so I would arrange to bring the book back and have a visit, but by the time I got to The Reverse of the Medal, I couldn't take it anymore. She was trying to thrust it into my hand, and I set it firmly down on the table. She took me to the surface and handed it to me again, but I threw it right back into the water at her. It was bobbing back up to the surface and I turned on my heel and never looked back.
I haven't thrown any books into the water before or since.
From Bosco:
the one thing you must learn is that the loch ness monster runs a small counterfeiting operation at the south end of loch ness. there have been reports that something fishy has been going on for years in that loch, but no one has ever been able to witness the printing presses, the specialized ink-dying machines, the digital color copying equipment, nor any of the several tons of palletable materials normally associated with a professional operation. but, several unreliable sources have suggested that there is no such thing as counterfeiting. it's a conspiracy brought about by the federal reserve bank and charles keating to dissuade the public from investigating the real crime: grunion are not freshwater species! in additon, they tend to flock in wild packs of curdled crab cakes, near transmission towers high above chiron.
..
My Experience:
I did read somewhere that the Loch Ness Monster is supposedly the Queen Mother of all grunions.
..
My experience:
Everybody's telling me how the Loch Ness Monster has been terrorizing them! It's really something! I thought I was the only one! I used to go to her house, and she'd put out a plate of really nice hard cheese -- but with a spread knife -- so I was afraid to even try to take a slice, because it would come out all crooked and crumbly -- so I'm sitting there, seeing and smelling the Loch Ness Monster's nice extra-hard cheese, and I can't have any! Did this ever happen to you?
***
My Experience:
The Loch Ness Monster is always dogging me for a buck twenty she lent me in 1998, but I swear, I threw the money back in the lake the next day, and she knows it, so I don't know where she gets off. Our friendship is at a standstill, but truth be told, I felt it was me always bringing fresh and new material into it, her always asking me, over and over again, "What's new?" like it's wholly my job to entertain her (not that she cares what I say) and she thrives on everyone getting all excited when she almost-shows-up. She's kind of a sadist that way.
From TH:
Oh, don't worry. It's not just you. That bitch Nessie, I dunno. Had to cut ties back in 92. She acted all happy to meet me, then I saw her on the shore and waved and she just looked at at me like who the hell are you. And I said fine. Fuck it. Two days later she was calling me asking what was wrong. It's complicated, I said. What's that, she said. The "depth" of your sociopathy, I told her.
From Me:
I'm afraid my friends and I encouraged her. We threw a lot of monster parties in the late eighties, in ....London...., around ... told her to come on down, we'd fix her up with a great Thames-monster. She'd be all game, but got in the habit of disappointing us. We made light of it, thinking she was going through some rough times. Then it just seemed like she was making fools of us all.
When I stopped by privately, she always kept the upper hand. I remember she seemed to be saying encouragingly, "Neither a borrower nor lender be," when I asked if I could read her Patrick O'Brien series. It seemed like she was saying "Don't touch my stuff," and "My stuff is yours," at the same time, like it was some kind of challenge. Well, so I borrowed them one by one, and she was always calling me and asking if I had the book, and I thought maybe there was loneliness behind her pettiness, so I would arrange to bring the book back and have a visit, but by the time I got to The Reverse of the Medal, I couldn't take it anymore. She was trying to thrust it into my hand, and I set it firmly down on the table. She took me to the surface and handed it to me again, but I threw it right back into the water at her. It was bobbing back up to the surface and I turned on my heel and never looked back.
I haven't thrown any books into the water before or since.
From Bosco:
the one thing you must learn is that the loch ness monster runs a small counterfeiting operation at the south end of loch ness. there have been reports that something fishy has been going on for years in that loch, but no one has ever been able to witness the printing presses, the specialized ink-dying machines, the digital color copying equipment, nor any of the several tons of palletable materials normally associated with a professional operation. but, several unreliable sources have suggested that there is no such thing as counterfeiting. it's a conspiracy brought about by the federal reserve bank and charles keating to dissuade the public from investigating the real crime: grunion are not freshwater species! in additon, they tend to flock in wild packs of curdled crab cakes, near transmission towers high above chiron.
..
My Experience:
I did read somewhere that the Loch Ness Monster is supposedly the Queen Mother of all grunions.
..
My experience:
Everybody's telling me how the Loch Ness Monster has been terrorizing them! It's really something! I thought I was the only one! I used to go to her house, and she'd put out a plate of really nice hard cheese -- but with a spread knife -- so I was afraid to even try to take a slice, because it would come out all crooked and crumbly -- so I'm sitting there, seeing and smelling the Loch Ness Monster's nice extra-hard cheese, and I can't have any! Did this ever happen to you?
posted by Constance X at 2:22 PM
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