Practical Advice for Dispelling Personal Guilt: Do’s and Don’ts
It seems my blog has been making its way to the party this is intended for.
Look, I didn’t realize the connection until the day I wrote about it. I haven’t been out to embarrass you; funny how things happen that way. I didn’t plan to write this, but now I’m angry, and I’m sure it’s fine advice for anyone, anytime, anyway.
Don’t:
Probably the lowest and most irresponsible thing you can do is spy on your victims, checking in periodically to see if you can either surmise that your offense is minimized by their actions, as they have managed despite your offenses or, conversely, to be the first to discover the body – that doesn’t make you “good” or “caring;” it makes you “creepy,” and you are probably not going unsensed by your victim. Don’t attribute your stalking to positive feelings for the person; positive feelings bring about honest connection.
Consider where you stand in this regard. Admit you’re spying for your own satisfaction. Note the fallacy of thinking any subsequent action of theirs mitigates your actions or that a good cry makes you a good person. If you feel personally responsible, be personally responsible for your part in things. Don’t moralize about how life should be lived, putting yourself up as a model that your victim can’t even see. Don’t think assuring yourself makes others feel assured.
Do:
(Adapted from Nathaniel Branden’s book; do you still have the copy I gave you?)
1. Own the fact it is you who took particular actions. Face and accept the full reality of what you have done, without disowning or avoidance. Own, accept, take responsibility.
2. Seek to understand why you did what you did. Do it compassionately, but without evasive alibiing.
3. If others are involved, acknowledge explicitly to the relevant persons the harm you have done. Convey your understanding for the consequences of your behavior. Acknowledge how they have been affected by you. Convey understanding of their feelings.
4. Take any and all actions available that might make amends for or minimize the harm you have done.
5. Firmly commit yourself to behaving differently in the future.
[Personal msg redacted.]
Look, I didn’t realize the connection until the day I wrote about it. I haven’t been out to embarrass you; funny how things happen that way. I didn’t plan to write this, but now I’m angry, and I’m sure it’s fine advice for anyone, anytime, anyway.
Don’t:
Probably the lowest and most irresponsible thing you can do is spy on your victims, checking in periodically to see if you can either surmise that your offense is minimized by their actions, as they have managed despite your offenses or, conversely, to be the first to discover the body – that doesn’t make you “good” or “caring;” it makes you “creepy,” and you are probably not going unsensed by your victim. Don’t attribute your stalking to positive feelings for the person; positive feelings bring about honest connection.
Consider where you stand in this regard. Admit you’re spying for your own satisfaction. Note the fallacy of thinking any subsequent action of theirs mitigates your actions or that a good cry makes you a good person. If you feel personally responsible, be personally responsible for your part in things. Don’t moralize about how life should be lived, putting yourself up as a model that your victim can’t even see. Don’t think assuring yourself makes others feel assured.
Do:
(Adapted from Nathaniel Branden’s book; do you still have the copy I gave you?)
1. Own the fact it is you who took particular actions. Face and accept the full reality of what you have done, without disowning or avoidance. Own, accept, take responsibility.
2. Seek to understand why you did what you did. Do it compassionately, but without evasive alibiing.
3. If others are involved, acknowledge explicitly to the relevant persons the harm you have done. Convey your understanding for the consequences of your behavior. Acknowledge how they have been affected by you. Convey understanding of their feelings.
4. Take any and all actions available that might make amends for or minimize the harm you have done.
5. Firmly commit yourself to behaving differently in the future.
[Personal msg redacted.]
posted by Constance X at 7:17 PM
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