The Stalking Koala
Just before my friend CK became such a big star that her handlers won't let us correspond anymore, we had this exchange of stories.
..............................
CK: So I'm at the gas station and this guy walks over and asks me if I've got a quarter. I said yes, because I did.
.. ..
ME: RE: Gas Station … So, were you there with your car, or just hanging outs? Did the rabbit food guys get a load of you yet, with wheels on?
.. ..
CK: Was I just hangin' out at the gas station? What kinda girl do you think I am? I'll have you know that when I wanna get gas, I go to Del Taco and order the 1/2 lbs. bean burrito.
.. ..
ME: 1/2 lb bean burrito! That's like 2/3 of the can !!! So, um, did you get up to ..Big Sur.. last weekend maybe? A little camping ??? ... Do you know there's a campground in ....MALIBU.... ??? Yeah! ... Or maybe WAS ... Camped there on spring break one time ...
.. ..
CK: Oh yeah, I used to go camphikin' around there - ....Will.. ..Rogers.. ..State Park.... - with The Ex. A can of beans and a can of chili make great campin' food.
.. ..
ME: RE: Will ....Rogers.... State Park; Didn't he say "I never et a canna beans I didn't like"?
.. ..
CK: Will ....Rogers.... loved Rosarita.
.. ..
CK: We never had none of those fancy campin' stoves or nothin'. Just a book of matches and a pile of rocks. Go get some wood for the fire, Cupid. How come I gotta go get the wood? Because building a fire is a man's job. Oh, really? Yes, really. I suppose you're gonna do all the cookin' then, too? No, cooking is a woman's job. Well, I can't cook 'cause I don't got a fire. You'd better hurry up and get that thing goin', fella. I will, just as soon as you go get some wood. Forget it, I'm not gonna gather no wood. Then we won't have a fire tonight. Fine by me. I'll just eat my beans cold.
..
ME: RE: Men's and Women's work, camping style
H'oh, boy, yeah, that's a hard dance. The worst is setting up the tent. It's a man's job to pick the level clearing and woman's job to clear the twigs, then the man's job to inspect the twig-clearing, then the woman's job to put all the pole joints, with the elastic running through them, together, then it's the man's job to check all the pole joints and make sure they're all fully seated, then it's everyone's job to thread the poles through the nylon pockets at once, and it's a race a girl does and doesn't want the man to win, because it blows, and then there's the simultaneous erection of the bubble with the tension of the poles, seated in the base pockets, then there's the woman staking and the man re-staking, then the woman rolls down the "windows" to air out the mildew, then the man is the crew captain of the setting of the fly ... oh, man ... I think I want to go home!
..
RE: Gathering wood
I remember gathering chapparel in ....Malibu..... Smelled great. We also stayed on the ..Mill.. ..College.. campus in ....Oakland.... that trip, and it's in a eucalyptus grove. AHHHH!
..
CK: Fully seat the pole joints? Simultaneous erections and setting of the fly? You sure you're talkin' 'bout campin', girl? Tee hee!
..
ME: Camping is one big damp spot.
.. ..
CK: That's what you get for pitchin' your tent in a puddle.
I'm just glad you didn't get attacked by any koalas while you were in that eucalyptus grove, girl. They're killers. One time I was watchin' Animal Planet and this koala jumped outta a tree right onto this guy's back, bit his finger off, and ran back up the tree. They had to shoot it to get the finger back.
..
ME: RE: attacked by koalas
In fact, I was attacked by koalas right there. It was on the return trip, so it didn't ruin spring break so much as put me in the infirmary for the rest of the semester. They bit off all my fingers on my right foot and toes on my left hand, and ten koalas had to be shot to retrieve my extremities. There was only one koala left, and he's stalked me ever since.
.. ..
CK: Good thing they weren't hungry.
..
ME: RE: Hungry koalas
Well in fact they WERE hungry ... as you may know, koalas only eat one thing ... and that's CANS OF BEANS !!! ....Mills.. ..College.... had the same spring break as us, and someone neglected the arrangement of a can-opening enabler to make the precious koala food accessible to the ravenous beasts ... when I strolled under that canopy of eucalyptii, I was a SITTING DUCK !!!
.. ..
CK: Maybe you should've used a spoon to eat your beans, instead of your fingers. No comment about your toes.
..
ME: RE: Maybe you should've used a spoon to eat your beans
Well, sometimes roughing it is pretty rough ... especially with koalas around.
I have to say I was a little bit embarrassed by the event, and as a consequence, developed impeccable table manners, which I fastidiously maintained until recently. The whole while I was hoping to win back some dignity and wholeness I might have never even had (except physically, because of the torn-off fingers thing), and that might be entirely unattainable, or not.
..
CK: I'd say. You can never be too careful around those little marsupial bloodsuckers.
..
ME: RE: those little marsupial bloodsuckers
After all the miscellaneous mishaps and tragedies, I would say it is untrue that koalas only eat one thing.
Well here's the thing, like there's a controversy over pit bulls being violent, but people keep them as pets, and then the controversy about koalas, which no one would ever keep as pets, not that they don't give it a thought, but they imagine the shipments of fresh beans coming in all the time, and the cost and the mess, and decide it's not worth the hassle, and HEY, aren't koalas and pit bulls the same thing, like, have you ever seen a koala and a pit bull in the same room at the SAME TIME ?!?! ... RIGHT ???
.. ..
CK: Nobody keeps koalas for pets 'cause they're just too vicious. Duh. And they had to outlaw Pit Bull / Koala fights 'cause the dog lovers got all freaked out when a cute little koala wiped the floor with a supposedly mean beast. Yeah, right. Like a Pit Bull could ever take a koala in a fair fight. Not even in an unfair one, either. Koalas were specially bred by Aboriginal Witch Doctors for pit fightin'. They only way you can really control one is with a plate of refried beans, and even that's an iffy situation.
..
ME: OMG, when I was in junior high, all the tough girls had these koala clips -- you could clip them in your hair or on your lapel or on your girl scout kerchief or on your purse strap -- or on your finger, except they had a totally deadly kung fu grip! One time a bunch of mean girls held me down and clipped a bunch of them all along my forearms! Damn, I'm glad they're finally outlawing bullying! (They should call it KOALAing !!!)
.. ..
Well, you're a good friend and all, but if there were ever pit-koala/pitbull fights, even if they were mega illegal, like, a cardinal sin illegal, they would be on the Youtube!
... Hmm ... but ... yeah ... um ... ergh ... I'll be back ...
.. ..
CK: That's don't call it finger food for nothin' Koalas, I mean. You were lucky to get away with your life, girl. They used to throw people into koala pits as a form of capital punishment in ....New Zealand.....
.. ..
ME: RE: lucky to get away with your life ... Lucky to have two friends right there, both with 5-shooters, to take out those koalas like that!
.. ..
RE: They used to throw people into koala pits … I'll tell you what's unbearable about that; the way their fur tickles! And the static charge! They're like the eels of the forest, the way they're all shocky!
.. ..
CK: Yeah, but at least koalas aren't all slimy the way eels are. You see, that's the way they trick you - with their unsliminess. Then, when you think it's all okay and stuff, they pounce down from their eucalyptus nests and bite off all your fingers.
..
RE: that's the way they trick you - with their unsliminess
OMG !!! ... I never thought of that! You are right! ... I touch everything that doesn't look slimy! It's important; helps me keep the nerve endings alive in my formerly severed fingers! ... But I hate when it's an electrical transformer or both terminals of a car battery at once!
... Then the other thing, koalas are like venus fly traps or moths that look like butterflies, or rattlesnakes that look like corn snakes and hold their rattles pinched so you don't even know their attacking! OH! That's why koalas look like pit bulls! They're trying to get us to cuddle up with them and let them in the house!
.. ..
CK: Unfortunately, there's no Venus fly traps big enough to catch a koala. On second thought, maybe that's a good thing.
..
RE: there's no Venus fly traps big enough to catch a koala
I was killing time in Glasgow, Scotland one time ... and I had visited all the known Charles Rennie MacIntosh buildings ... and so I walked over the hill from the place I was staying, on Hillside by Glasgow University, and I found a big park with a giant greenhouse in it, like the Crystal Palace that was built for the World Expo in 1851, and for a fraction of a pound I could walk inside, so I went inside, and it had several sections, even underground sections, and the most amazing collection of begonias, which when you think about it, have the most amazing genetic variation of leaves and flowers, and I found this immense venus fly trap, but it was only big enough to trap a hamster, not a koala.
.. ..
CK: Yeah, but did you go down into their secret underground genetics lab? That's where they hide the special koala eatin' fly traps. One day they'll unleash them on the unsuspectin' koala populace, just you wait and see.
.. ..
ME: RE: Yeah, but did you go down into their secret underground genetics lab?
Uhm, no ... for 20 pence apiece I could buy a hamster from a gumball-like machine and feed it to the venus fly trap. I feel a little bit guilty about it now, but I bought seven hamsters and stuffed every trap the plant had ... when I got bored with that, I left and went to the transportation museum to look at wooden bicycles and models of camoflaged ships.
.. ..
CK: Underground genetics labs and transportation museums? Wow, ....Glasgow.... must be a really swingin' place.
..
ME: RE: ..Glasgow.. …
....Glasgow.... is fantastic. Tho I don't know who it might have been who was working on the special koala-eatin' fly traps ... I believe the kaleidoscope was invented there, along with a lot of other optics stuff ... the Scots invented all kinds of cool stuff like steam engines and stuff ... Paisley is right next to Glasgow, and there are bunches of looms there -- hard to say which invention parts are the Scots and while are other countries ... except they did the steam-driven automation ... but 'we' were there for a computer audio conference. Hey, maybe the kaleidoscope could mesmerize the koala and make it fall into the trap ... and the plant can have like, a steam-driven wheelchair to get koalas !!!
..
CK: Now you're thinkin'. Good thing ..Scotland.. is part of the British Commonwealth, like ....Australia..... That way they can share inventions and stuff. Like steam driven Venus fly traps.
.. ..
ME: RE: Good thing ..Scotland.. is part of the British Commonwealth, like ....Australia..... That way they can share inventions and stuff. Like steam driven Venus fly traps.
Bah! ..Glasgow.. probably had closer ties to ..France.., and even the ..Near East.., on account of the textile trade on the River Clyde. At least until the steam train was invented [and it was just as easy to go long distances on land as by sea]. Ha! People were probably trying to go to the ....Netherlands.... from Gibralter, and got lost ... But yeah, if it wasn't for wanting to make koala-eating fly traps on wheels, our entire combustion-engine-on-wheels transportation system would not have been invented!
.. ..
CK: So basically what you're sayin' is - koalas are responsible for our modern transportation system?
.. ..
ME: RE: koalas are responsible for our modern transportation system
I guess that's what really gets my stalker-koala totally cheesed off, the irony that I can drive and fly and ride the rails with ease, and he's afraid to get out of a tree on account of a venus fly trap in a Hoverround is circling the tree trunk all of the time!
KAPOW! Bah-dum-dumt!
CK: [Pic of koala]
ME: ... That's one CHEESED koala! PERFECT! Thanks for the FUNS!
..............................
CK: So I'm at the gas station and this guy walks over and asks me if I've got a quarter. I said yes, because I did.
.. ..
ME: RE: Gas Station … So, were you there with your car, or just hanging outs? Did the rabbit food guys get a load of you yet, with wheels on?
.. ..
CK: Was I just hangin' out at the gas station? What kinda girl do you think I am? I'll have you know that when I wanna get gas, I go to Del Taco and order the 1/2 lbs. bean burrito.
.. ..
ME: 1/2 lb bean burrito! That's like 2/3 of the can !!! So, um, did you get up to ..Big Sur.. last weekend maybe? A little camping ??? ... Do you know there's a campground in ....MALIBU.... ??? Yeah! ... Or maybe WAS ... Camped there on spring break one time ...
.. ..
CK: Oh yeah, I used to go camphikin' around there - ....Will.. ..Rogers.. ..State Park.... - with The Ex. A can of beans and a can of chili make great campin' food.
.. ..
ME: RE: Will ....Rogers.... State Park; Didn't he say "I never et a canna beans I didn't like"?
.. ..
CK: Will ....Rogers.... loved Rosarita.
.. ..
CK: We never had none of those fancy campin' stoves or nothin'. Just a book of matches and a pile of rocks. Go get some wood for the fire, Cupid. How come I gotta go get the wood? Because building a fire is a man's job. Oh, really? Yes, really. I suppose you're gonna do all the cookin' then, too? No, cooking is a woman's job. Well, I can't cook 'cause I don't got a fire. You'd better hurry up and get that thing goin', fella. I will, just as soon as you go get some wood. Forget it, I'm not gonna gather no wood. Then we won't have a fire tonight. Fine by me. I'll just eat my beans cold.
..
ME: RE: Men's and Women's work, camping style
H'oh, boy, yeah, that's a hard dance. The worst is setting up the tent. It's a man's job to pick the level clearing and woman's job to clear the twigs, then the man's job to inspect the twig-clearing, then the woman's job to put all the pole joints, with the elastic running through them, together, then it's the man's job to check all the pole joints and make sure they're all fully seated, then it's everyone's job to thread the poles through the nylon pockets at once, and it's a race a girl does and doesn't want the man to win, because it blows, and then there's the simultaneous erection of the bubble with the tension of the poles, seated in the base pockets, then there's the woman staking and the man re-staking, then the woman rolls down the "windows" to air out the mildew, then the man is the crew captain of the setting of the fly ... oh, man ... I think I want to go home!
..
RE: Gathering wood
I remember gathering chapparel in ....Malibu..... Smelled great. We also stayed on the ..Mill.. ..College.. campus in ....Oakland.... that trip, and it's in a eucalyptus grove. AHHHH!
..
CK: Fully seat the pole joints? Simultaneous erections and setting of the fly? You sure you're talkin' 'bout campin', girl? Tee hee!
..
ME: Camping is one big damp spot.
.. ..
CK: That's what you get for pitchin' your tent in a puddle.
I'm just glad you didn't get attacked by any koalas while you were in that eucalyptus grove, girl. They're killers. One time I was watchin' Animal Planet and this koala jumped outta a tree right onto this guy's back, bit his finger off, and ran back up the tree. They had to shoot it to get the finger back.
..
ME: RE: attacked by koalas
In fact, I was attacked by koalas right there. It was on the return trip, so it didn't ruin spring break so much as put me in the infirmary for the rest of the semester. They bit off all my fingers on my right foot and toes on my left hand, and ten koalas had to be shot to retrieve my extremities. There was only one koala left, and he's stalked me ever since.
.. ..
CK: Good thing they weren't hungry.
..
ME: RE: Hungry koalas
Well in fact they WERE hungry ... as you may know, koalas only eat one thing ... and that's CANS OF BEANS !!! ....Mills.. ..College.... had the same spring break as us, and someone neglected the arrangement of a can-opening enabler to make the precious koala food accessible to the ravenous beasts ... when I strolled under that canopy of eucalyptii, I was a SITTING DUCK !!!
.. ..
CK: Maybe you should've used a spoon to eat your beans, instead of your fingers. No comment about your toes.
..
ME: RE: Maybe you should've used a spoon to eat your beans
Well, sometimes roughing it is pretty rough ... especially with koalas around.
I have to say I was a little bit embarrassed by the event, and as a consequence, developed impeccable table manners, which I fastidiously maintained until recently. The whole while I was hoping to win back some dignity and wholeness I might have never even had (except physically, because of the torn-off fingers thing), and that might be entirely unattainable, or not.
..
CK: I'd say. You can never be too careful around those little marsupial bloodsuckers.
..
ME: RE: those little marsupial bloodsuckers
After all the miscellaneous mishaps and tragedies, I would say it is untrue that koalas only eat one thing.
Well here's the thing, like there's a controversy over pit bulls being violent, but people keep them as pets, and then the controversy about koalas, which no one would ever keep as pets, not that they don't give it a thought, but they imagine the shipments of fresh beans coming in all the time, and the cost and the mess, and decide it's not worth the hassle, and HEY, aren't koalas and pit bulls the same thing, like, have you ever seen a koala and a pit bull in the same room at the SAME TIME ?!?! ... RIGHT ???
.. ..
CK: Nobody keeps koalas for pets 'cause they're just too vicious. Duh. And they had to outlaw Pit Bull / Koala fights 'cause the dog lovers got all freaked out when a cute little koala wiped the floor with a supposedly mean beast. Yeah, right. Like a Pit Bull could ever take a koala in a fair fight. Not even in an unfair one, either. Koalas were specially bred by Aboriginal Witch Doctors for pit fightin'. They only way you can really control one is with a plate of refried beans, and even that's an iffy situation.
..
ME: OMG, when I was in junior high, all the tough girls had these koala clips -- you could clip them in your hair or on your lapel or on your girl scout kerchief or on your purse strap -- or on your finger, except they had a totally deadly kung fu grip! One time a bunch of mean girls held me down and clipped a bunch of them all along my forearms! Damn, I'm glad they're finally outlawing bullying! (They should call it KOALAing !!!)
.. ..
Well, you're a good friend and all, but if there were ever pit-koala/pitbull fights, even if they were mega illegal, like, a cardinal sin illegal, they would be on the Youtube!
... Hmm ... but ... yeah ... um ... ergh ... I'll be back ...
.. ..
CK: That's don't call it finger food for nothin' Koalas, I mean. You were lucky to get away with your life, girl. They used to throw people into koala pits as a form of capital punishment in ....New Zealand.....
.. ..
ME: RE: lucky to get away with your life ... Lucky to have two friends right there, both with 5-shooters, to take out those koalas like that!
.. ..
RE: They used to throw people into koala pits … I'll tell you what's unbearable about that; the way their fur tickles! And the static charge! They're like the eels of the forest, the way they're all shocky!
.. ..
CK: Yeah, but at least koalas aren't all slimy the way eels are. You see, that's the way they trick you - with their unsliminess. Then, when you think it's all okay and stuff, they pounce down from their eucalyptus nests and bite off all your fingers.
..
RE: that's the way they trick you - with their unsliminess
OMG !!! ... I never thought of that! You are right! ... I touch everything that doesn't look slimy! It's important; helps me keep the nerve endings alive in my formerly severed fingers! ... But I hate when it's an electrical transformer or both terminals of a car battery at once!
... Then the other thing, koalas are like venus fly traps or moths that look like butterflies, or rattlesnakes that look like corn snakes and hold their rattles pinched so you don't even know their attacking! OH! That's why koalas look like pit bulls! They're trying to get us to cuddle up with them and let them in the house!
.. ..
CK: Unfortunately, there's no Venus fly traps big enough to catch a koala. On second thought, maybe that's a good thing.
..
RE: there's no Venus fly traps big enough to catch a koala
I was killing time in Glasgow, Scotland one time ... and I had visited all the known Charles Rennie MacIntosh buildings ... and so I walked over the hill from the place I was staying, on Hillside by Glasgow University, and I found a big park with a giant greenhouse in it, like the Crystal Palace that was built for the World Expo in 1851, and for a fraction of a pound I could walk inside, so I went inside, and it had several sections, even underground sections, and the most amazing collection of begonias, which when you think about it, have the most amazing genetic variation of leaves and flowers, and I found this immense venus fly trap, but it was only big enough to trap a hamster, not a koala.
.. ..
CK: Yeah, but did you go down into their secret underground genetics lab? That's where they hide the special koala eatin' fly traps. One day they'll unleash them on the unsuspectin' koala populace, just you wait and see.
.. ..
ME: RE: Yeah, but did you go down into their secret underground genetics lab?
Uhm, no ... for 20 pence apiece I could buy a hamster from a gumball-like machine and feed it to the venus fly trap. I feel a little bit guilty about it now, but I bought seven hamsters and stuffed every trap the plant had ... when I got bored with that, I left and went to the transportation museum to look at wooden bicycles and models of camoflaged ships.
.. ..
CK: Underground genetics labs and transportation museums? Wow, ....Glasgow.... must be a really swingin' place.
..
ME: RE: ..Glasgow.. …
....Glasgow.... is fantastic. Tho I don't know who it might have been who was working on the special koala-eatin' fly traps ... I believe the kaleidoscope was invented there, along with a lot of other optics stuff ... the Scots invented all kinds of cool stuff like steam engines and stuff ... Paisley is right next to Glasgow, and there are bunches of looms there -- hard to say which invention parts are the Scots and while are other countries ... except they did the steam-driven automation ... but 'we' were there for a computer audio conference. Hey, maybe the kaleidoscope could mesmerize the koala and make it fall into the trap ... and the plant can have like, a steam-driven wheelchair to get koalas !!!
..
CK: Now you're thinkin'. Good thing ..Scotland.. is part of the British Commonwealth, like ....Australia..... That way they can share inventions and stuff. Like steam driven Venus fly traps.
.. ..
ME: RE: Good thing ..Scotland.. is part of the British Commonwealth, like ....Australia..... That way they can share inventions and stuff. Like steam driven Venus fly traps.
Bah! ..Glasgow.. probably had closer ties to ..France.., and even the ..Near East.., on account of the textile trade on the River Clyde. At least until the steam train was invented [and it was just as easy to go long distances on land as by sea]. Ha! People were probably trying to go to the ....Netherlands.... from Gibralter, and got lost ... But yeah, if it wasn't for wanting to make koala-eating fly traps on wheels, our entire combustion-engine-on-wheels transportation system would not have been invented!
.. ..
CK: So basically what you're sayin' is - koalas are responsible for our modern transportation system?
.. ..
ME: RE: koalas are responsible for our modern transportation system
I guess that's what really gets my stalker-koala totally cheesed off, the irony that I can drive and fly and ride the rails with ease, and he's afraid to get out of a tree on account of a venus fly trap in a Hoverround is circling the tree trunk all of the time!
KAPOW! Bah-dum-dumt!
CK: [Pic of koala]
ME: ... That's one CHEESED koala! PERFECT! Thanks for the FUNS!
posted by Constance X at 2:07 PM
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