Thursday, October 13, 2011

Trying a New PCP ...

I got a new PCP recently.

All she does is read questions off of some "Provider-approved" checklist.

At first I let myself believe that I was benefiting from some sort of empirical thoroughness.

By the third visit,I took in the posters she had on the walls. All of it was about the evils of various bad habits and recommendations on the frequency of various tests.

I realized that she considered all my answers to be complaints:

"Are you an early riser? Yes, I wake up before six every day, and I start a 3-mile walk at seven."
She changed my answers to whatever she wanted. I realized she had a black and white concept of everything, while I had more of a multidimensional sliding scale view of everything which one might say occasionally veers into synethesia.

She started adding "lifestyle" scoldings for someone who has habits opposite of what I already told her: She actually told me I should set an alarm clock so I wake up every morning. For what, 4:30?

Pretty much an evil robot.


Thursday, October 06, 2011

My bones are made of rainbows ...

My bones are made of rainbows gathered each day at sunset throughout the world. I can split a cord of wood with a word. Once I drove through a national forest while singing along to the radio, and turned a whole ten square miles into a housing tract. New York socialites wear amber necklaces derived from my earwax, as a good luck talisman. I don't need a boat to waterski.

My heart is a V8 engine ...

My heart is a V8 engine that runs on plutonium. My liver generates more kilowatts than 10 acres of solar panels mounted on oil derricks. I am made of the particle that's faster than the speed of light. Higgs Bosun Particle Blast is my favorite breakfast cereal. I am a compulsive truth-teller. HEEE HEEE HEEE! I've already lived out the future and I'm going back to my favorite pasts. I'm calling Einstein a dummy, and he loves me for it. There isn't enough alphabet to write my bra size. What gets me in trouble is all the good I do. I bought the world a Coke, but I couldn't stick around, which is where the problems started.

My soul is a hurricane ... HEAR ME!

My soul is a hurricane roaring up the coast but threatened by my other soul, a giant asteroid, coming down on the hurricane like a flyswatter. I am a tsunami emanating from the impact of an asteroid that seemed to be chasing a hurricane, with a WILL! I am a brushfire that burns clouds, ignited by mist from the Hebrides, which could have been the angel's share of a store of casks of single-malt, ormaybe not. HERR HERR HERR! I am chasing crocodiles up the Nile with a magnifying glass and resurrecting the lighthouse at Alexandria. I am making icebergs collide in mid-air! It rains diamonds into the deepest part of the ocean! I am throwing gold at the sun! It is too late at night to wear pants. HEAR ME!