Dealing with a difficult mother's visit

G.'s mother came to see her while G.'s husband was out of town. Apparently G. had only planned a lot of couch time with mother, and mother didn't tell her what she wanted to hear.

I told G. when a difficult mother comes to visit, you have to plan a lot of activities to stay away from that kind of thing, like, if she says she's coming, say: "Great! We need to dig a new trench for the septic system."

"This is how men would work it," I say. "Then she'll be out to prove she's stronger with a shovel than you, but you profit from her labors."

G. just came off of a summer chock-a-block full of craft camp stuff. She learned blacksmithing in one session and then went for another session of lost-wax casting. "You must have beaten her in the 'foundry' portion of the visit," I say.

"You must have beaten her in the kicking portion of the visit." We were in S.'s Tai Kwon Do-based class at the time.

"How did you do on the heroic consumption portion of the visit?"

I told her: One time, my mother came to visit me in NYC. I wanted her to experience the delights I had discovered there, to share, and maybe to impress her. I took her to a sushi restaurant in Greenwich Village. It didn't occur to me that another person from Cold Cut County, PA would not have the same delight and fascination with the discovery of eating fresh, raw fish as I did. I suppose there's a reason people choose to settle in Cold Cut County, that doesn't figure into my sensibilities at all.

Mother "won" the sushi-eating contest, by not eating any at all. I ordered tempura for her, and with every bite I had of sushi, I had to listen to her exclamations of disgust.

"Eeeuuuww! I can't believe you're putting that in your mouth! What if it has parasites! ..." You know the rest.



The first lesson I learned in dealing with a visit with a difficult mother is BRING AN ENTOURAGE.

Mother will spend so much energy convincing everyone that she's a cool mom that she won't have time to sink her claws into you. Most likely, she's a little bit boy-crazy, and she'll try to win over the young men with her coquettish charm. Yes, at the end you will have to hear some of your friends say "Your mom's so cool," but consider what you've sidestepped.
Another pitfall of this technique is she will tell embarrassing stories about you -- my mom tells absolutely humiliating ones, intended to make me seem more defective than any other human being. Guess what -- they'll backfire on her, showing her to be the viper she is. It will be good to get fresh opinions, and to see this coquettish side of her.

Rule two is always overplan events. Do NOT leave hours open for sitting around the table or sitting on the couch talking. Go, go, go! She always comments on your weight -- work that fanny! You have the strength of youth on your side. Run her through a decathalon of activities. Throw a few in that she can win. Throw a few of the competitions you know you could take easily. You know who you are despite her B.S.!