Herding cats should be easy.

Cats are "herd" animals, actually, their groups are called "prides." So cats don't have to be herded. They hang that way, naturally.

Karaoke Divas Unite! UH-oh, Catfight!

The Battle of the Songbirds ...

I made this T-shirt for myself this summer that said:

I'm the
Patsy
(Cline)
dammit!

You see, in karaoke, Patsy Cline songs are kind of easy and fun to sing, in the alto range, so almost any woman can sound melodic, if she's capable at all, you just need to learn the songs, which aren't hard. There's plenty of room to perform inside the songs; they're just great.

So, it's always a competition to see who does, who is, the Patsy. Sometimes sopranos will encroach on Patsy territory, swooping in to peck at an alto who is getting too much attention.

I sing a lot of Patsy. Did I say before? I'm more Patsy than Patsy. I could be the reincarnation of Patsy, but my big friend ChrisPy says he is, and his birthday is closer to her demise. (He's hetero, so you know.)

So, I had this T-Shirt made. What I do is make the graphic up in Photoshop, post it to CafeShops.com, where I can choose a shirt to put it on, and then order the shirt. I wore it one night this summer, to rave reviews -- it was almost too powerful, in fact I haven't worn it there since.

EVERYONE noticed and commented. EVERYONE talked to me and smiled, EVERYONE called me Patsy. I was the belle of the ball.

The karaoke hostess punished me for all the attention I garnered by alternately excessively speeding up and slowing down the songs I chose of the next two weeks. I went on a wild musical detour into uncharted song territory (and expanded my range), trying to shake her off my tail. Some nights I bombed, but it was all worth it.

It's a sleeveless shirt, so I don't know if I'll be wearing it anytime soon.

But the thing is: Last night a STRANGER ordered the T-shirt from CafePress! I was thinking it would be fun to have duelling Patsies, in fact, I ordered another shirt I might give to ChrisPy's sister (although she's mad at me right now for singing Blue Bayou, which she was trying to work up the nerve to sing.)

Pun-numb

Pun-numb: Having become unable to absorb or acknowledge any more clever word plays when one is in the company of a habitual and serial punster; the inability to raise the eyebrows, nod, or turn up the corners of the lips, as the need of a companion for one to acknowledge his cleverness with language is not sated; often identified by the punster as a loss of sense of humor.

on beauty

When I woke up this morning, the percentage of women who are beautiful had changed from about 8% to 100%.

... on the phone with AT&T Universal Card.

Today I called AT&T Universal Card. I had paid my balance in full three days before the due date, according to their statement, but they still assessed a finance charge.

The call was definitely received by an Indian call center. They immediately withdrew the charge without making any expalnation as to why it was there in the first place, and said something about me being a longstanding customer. I suppose they wanted me to think it was some kind of favor, when it was their "mistake." I do have a hard time believing this kind of thing happens by accident.

Then the attendant, Jevi, launched into a pitch for credit card protection. It was an interminably long script and was delivered unintelligibly at parts -- but it was one of those scripts where you have to be rude -- there is no out -- they keep asking why, and is that okay, and, and, -- til I just say I have to go.

I feel like it's a scam -- either you let a finance charge slide or suffer a pitch. I used another card for the rest of the day, but I suppose better punishment is to keep paying the balance in full.

Dealing with a difficult mother's visit

G.'s mother came to see her while G.'s husband was out of town. Apparently G. had only planned a lot of couch time with mother, and mother didn't tell her what she wanted to hear.

I told G. when a difficult mother comes to visit, you have to plan a lot of activities to stay away from that kind of thing, like, if she says she's coming, say: "Great! We need to dig a new trench for the septic system."

"This is how men would work it," I say. "Then she'll be out to prove she's stronger with a shovel than you, but you profit from her labors."

G. just came off of a summer chock-a-block full of craft camp stuff. She learned blacksmithing in one session and then went for another session of lost-wax casting. "You must have beaten her in the 'foundry' portion of the visit," I say.

"You must have beaten her in the kicking portion of the visit." We were in S.'s Tai Kwon Do-based class at the time.

"How did you do on the heroic consumption portion of the visit?"

I told her: One time, my mother came to visit me in NYC. I wanted her to experience the delights I had discovered there, to share, and maybe to impress her. I took her to a sushi restaurant in Greenwich Village. It didn't occur to me that another person from Cold Cut County, PA would not have the same delight and fascination with the discovery of eating fresh, raw fish as I did. I suppose there's a reason people choose to settle in Cold Cut County, that doesn't figure into my sensibilities at all.

Mother "won" the sushi-eating contest, by not eating any at all. I ordered tempura for her, and with every bite I had of sushi, I had to listen to her exclamations of disgust.

"Eeeuuuww! I can't believe you're putting that in your mouth! What if it has parasites! ..." You know the rest.



The first lesson I learned in dealing with a visit with a difficult mother is BRING AN ENTOURAGE.

Mother will spend so much energy convincing everyone that she's a cool mom that she won't have time to sink her claws into you. Most likely, she's a little bit boy-crazy, and she'll try to win over the young men with her coquettish charm. Yes, at the end you will have to hear some of your friends say "Your mom's so cool," but consider what you've sidestepped.
Another pitfall of this technique is she will tell embarrassing stories about you -- my mom tells absolutely humiliating ones, intended to make me seem more defective than any other human being. Guess what -- they'll backfire on her, showing her to be the viper she is. It will be good to get fresh opinions, and to see this coquettish side of her.

Rule two is always overplan events. Do NOT leave hours open for sitting around the table or sitting on the couch talking. Go, go, go! She always comments on your weight -- work that fanny! You have the strength of youth on your side. Run her through a decathalon of activities. Throw a few in that she can win. Throw a few of the competitions you know you could take easily. You know who you are despite her B.S.!

Sometimes the best thing in the store still isn't worth buying ...

Did you ever play the game, "What's the Best Thing in this Store"? Ever notice how sometimes it's still not worth having? Sometimes I think my life has been like that. I was always wanting something I dreamt up in my head and didn't really exist, yet, anyway.

There's a store here that sells the most amazing ceramic pieces. It makes a lot of use of fiber-optic LED displays, too. The best thing there is, by far, the baby bank. Like a piggy bank. You can put coins in the baby's head.